Perfect Example of the 1st World/3rd World dynamic

 
I've been dying to take a photo of this at the right moment. That means I'm not driving quickly, I have my phone, I can actually make it work and click without wiggling too much. Not an easy task (=

So I was thrilled when I got this right outside our front door the other day. This is what I mean by the clash of 1st and 3rd world in this previous post. Here is a perfectly modern garbage truck so you make some assumptions about garbage collecting being familiar to you.  And yet what actually happens is that there are large, metal, square containers with no bottoms to them and folks just throw stuff in or near or close by. You can find furniture, tree branches, cow carcasses, goat heads, community donations of working toys and clothes set a bit farther away from the pile.

So the modern garbage truck pulls up to the pile/container, 5 or 6 guys get out and flip the container on its side and then proceed to put the stuff in the garbage truck by hand. Hmmm. The first time I saw this I thought the container had slipped off the truck so all those guys were having to clean up the mess. Then I realized that was the SYSTEM. hmmm.

Do you see what I mean?.....one of the stressors of living here is seeing one thing and making assumptions only to realize it isn't the case. Once in awhile it isn't a bit deal.....but multiple times a day it can happen so often it gets draining.

Wait a minute....is this a 1st world country or a 3rd world country??

We tell folks this is one of the random stressers of living where we do...you just never know if you are in walking into a third world or first world situation.

Ambiguity and unpredictability are supposedly some of the most difficult things for us to live with for long periods of time. hahahahahaha. This really makes me laugh when looking at our lives. I can't even tell you if there will bananas at the store let alone things that rank a bit higher than that. True, I can cross the border and go to the shiny French department store where they usually have everything in stock but that takes mores time and effort and it isn't where I live. And really, I can get what I need on a regular basis without crossing the border.....but you just never know and that is unpredictability part.

You might think the idea of "second world" would apply to our area, but I did a wee bit of research and found out that the term "second world" was for the centrally planned governments of the communist era. We definitely live in a country with that type of dynamic - central power that is sort of planning....hmm. never mind.

Anyway here goes for the things that tell you it is a third world country:

There are some very rich people and then everyone else....not tons of poverty (due to the government that gives lots of subsidies)
Kids don't wear shoes most of the time
Dirt roads are everywhere and even if you have paved roads they are optional
Road rules are very erratic...drive 10 miles an hour? no problem. See a friend by the side of the road? pull off...no problem. See a friend driving near you? Pull up next to them and block both lanes while driving and chatting. No problem. Well maybe if it is a two lane road.....but then everyone will figure out to just drive on the dirt.
Older generations of people (ahem....like mine!) have not gone to school past 4th or 5th grade
Gender segregation and roles are the bedrock of society and pretty inflexible
Houses are still sort of tents....doors, windows and gates are left open and unlocked and all manner of bugs and sand are considered normal inside the house
People often still sleep on the floor with maybe a pillow and blanket....girls in one room boys in another.

And the first world indicators:

They will have more than one cell phone
Often their cell phone is so nice I would never consider buying it
Often their cars are WAY nicer then ours - Lexus, Escalade, Mercedes
They have big flat screen TVs that are on all the time
and several Xboxes and other electronic toys
Differences in families are EXTREME - some members haven't finished high school while others may have done a masters degree overseas.


All of this adds up to some very funny situations at time because you just don't know what to expect. It also lends itself to an attitude of you just don't know what will happen so you need to really just relax and take it as it comes and see it all as an adventure!
We are still learning so many things about this Middle Eastern culture and find it fascinating and confusing and absorbing.

The Insurance Man

If you've read the recent post about our car issues, you'll remember that the bright spot was our car insurance man. When Tom explained to him what had gone on with our cars, he was so amazed at how well he was taking it.

This cracked me up because I knew how well Tom was NOT doing with it all! Amazingly, the Lord was gracious and they had a really really good conversation about life and how to survive the ups and downs.

This was really meaningful for Tom because he does not have many men his age to connect with at the moment. Most of the local friends are much younger and aren't really in the same place in life. This guy just a few years older and is a well-established business man here in town.

He and Tom have had some really good chats and times to hang out. The other day he took Tom to the original family house here in town. There are other people living in...sort of squatters...Tom wasn't sure. But it was in a section of town Tom had never been to before. It is part of the original oasis here and you don't see it from the road because there is a layer of stores and then a few layers of residences and then the oasis. It is not watered which is why the trees look SO WEIRD.

The #1 Energy Drain of life overseas....or when the mundane demands all your attention and makes you go crazy

House projects. The bain of every Westerner's existence over here.

One of the areas of hidden culture shock when moving overseas is how to take care of your stuff. And I don't mean in a greedy or self-focused way....just in a you-spent-money-on-it-and-it-needs-to-function sort of way.

In the US this process is almost glorified as a hobby and an identity - are you handy around the house? Do you have all the cool shiny tools and the gear? Do you spend your weekends at Lowes?

Here it is a battle for basic survival oftentimes....and I'm not being dramatic. Electricity is so random here that anytime Tom goes near a plug to fix yet another melted socket we all just sort of hold our breath. Even if you've turned off the electricity in the whole house....you just never know. Or the water suddenly dries up and you have to climb to the very tippy top of your house on a horrible rickety ladder to peek in the water tank (much less get IN tank and clean it out like Tom did earlier this year.....he took advantage of a bad situation and got so much gunk out of the empty tank that I don't even want to think about).

Car problems are another story entirely. I'm not sure you remember, but last July the kids and I were in a pretty bad car wreck - we were fine but the car was NOT. It took a full month to get that repaired. The DAY AFTER we got it back, Tom's car - get this - was attacked by dogs and had the front bumper pulled off and the wiring yanked all over the place! No one had ever heard of such a crazy thing. The one bright spot was the insurance man that Tom is now friends with. More on him here....

THEN....when the car was almost ready for pick up after the repair, Tom called the guys and they hemmed and hawed and finally told him why the car was not ready for pick up. While they were working on the electrical system the car "somehow" popped into reverse, shot out of the repair shop, crossed a small street and crashed into two other cars. Oh yes.

So now the back bumper had to be repaired. And folks, it JUST got finished this week. That is EIGHT MONTHS and I've already subtracted the 3 months we were in the US. Eight months of having to bug this person or that person to just fix the crazy problem...calling and not being able to communicate with the staff..arranging drop off and pick up with me and my schedule...calling again and not being able to communicate about whether anything was done or whether it is time to pick it up again.

I say all this not to complain. Frankly we expect it from life here now, but I just felt like trying to explain it to someone back in the US. Quality work, quality materials and any shred of service-mindedness just is not common. Now don't get me wrong, there are many other WONDERFUL things about living here that I also love. One of the main ones being the "drive up and honk" culture where I can buy just about any food or household item from the comfort of the front seat of my car. Love.That.

Crazy weather and a new weekend

We love living in the Middle East. Life is just unpredictable and though that does get tiresome at times, it certainly keeps things interesting.

Lately the weather has been the crazy thing. We live in a desert which means that weather is pretty extreme and consequently it really really affects things when it changes or whatnot.  Lately, we've had rain almost every day for the last TWO WEEKS. It is affecting everything and has caused all sorts of flooding because there are no building codes (really, at all I don't think!) to address flooding. So all sorts of crazy pictures are getting sent from phone to phone of wild things all over the country as a result of the water.

The weather has been in the 80s instead of around 110 so we are LOVING IT. However, we have our own share of flooding, two burst pipes and really really dirty cars. It has taken Tom so much time to try and fix stuff himself, then find a guy to fix it the, get him to come back to finish the job etc etc etc. Any other house projects just get put on hold!

The other newsworthy item is that the government is changing the weekend! I think this is the craziest thing in the world. Living in Hong Kong and the US before, I never realized the Arab world has a different weekend. You should google all the various weekends around here. Anyway, our country has been talking about it for a very long time, but in typical fashion, they did nothing for years and now it is happening in three weeks (=

So we are having a three-day weekend! Normally our week is Saturday through Wednesday and now it will be Sunday through Thursday. As a person who sort of likes symmetry and order, it DRIVES ME CRAZY to never have a calendar that shows a full week. (yes I still use a paper calender!) Now at least, I can breathe a big sigh of satisfaction and see one week all on one page, finally.

Here are some random photos, by the way (=

The kids room now - the two pictures on the left are from Tom's grandma on his dad's side. Thanks Cary!  Sorry I didn't make the beds (=

This is a page from a book that she had and Cary has given a page to each great grandchild.

This one is for layla. I found a man who frames photos here in town and have had SO MANY things framed. This cost $15 for double matting and non-reflective glass (= 

Here is Ryan's "Jesus picture" from Frances Hook. My sister and I both had one growing up and mom got this for Ryan as a gift. Living in the middle east I am completely irritated by how Jesus does NOT LOOK ARAB, but sentimentality wins out on this one (=

Layla's Jesus Picture is the big one and is actually the one I had as a child.

This is a tea towel from Tom's mom.....I love the colors and the theme; Noah's Ark. Ryan just sits and looks at it sometimes (=  This is also in their bedroom and is where they sit to read. The bookselves are on the right and the bed is on the left.

I have thought about having it framed but didn't know if I was going overboard with framing everything (= I'm finally getting a wall of family pictures up in the next few months!

"Let's Talk About Hijab"

Yet another great post from my friend Rachel......this is actually a guest post from a muslim woman explaining more about what it means to cover her head. GREAT perspectives (= This is a series on Rachel's blog so scroll down to the end of the article to read the other posts in this category...

Welcome Home!

Yikes! If you are grossed out by all this, so were we when we got home from our week away in Turkey! It was the week of Eid and we had a conference to attend in Istanbul. We've loved our visit to Turkey but coming home to this was a bit of a surprise. We had forgotten how Eid always brings animal sacrifices....and carcasses! One of the two neighborhood trashcans is right next to our house and INVARIABLY some live animal gnaws on the dead one and drags it right near our front door. These are about 15 feet from our gate.

Musings on identity

I've lived in the Gulf for 6 years now and it hit me the other day that I'm finally seeing some of the way folks here view the world. Just a smidgen, mind you. There's tons left that remains in my blindspot.

One slice of their worldview I saw the other day was when some young men were interacting with Ryan. It struck me that even though these guys are in the late teens and early 20s they have the expectation of being a father in their future. Part of their current identity is that they will one day be fathers. It changes the way they interact with kids and people around them. I can't quite describe it, but they feel it is an obligation, an honor, a totally normal expected thing that they will get married and raise a family.

One small example of this I saw just today at the store was a young man maybe in his late 20s. Following quietly and happily along were SIX, yes SIX children. Can you imagine any guy in his late 20s taking six young kids to the store in the US? I'm sure they were brothers and nieces and and a few friends thrown in to boot. So it is odd to me how out here we have such separate roles for men and women, but that part of the men's role is to be a family-man....even more than we see in the US in some ways. Hard to explain.

I'm not sure how I could explain how this is different for American guys, but there seems to be an expected connection to other people and to children here that I don't see in the US. Not that I'm trying to bash the US. Trust me, this culture could use a little good ole' fashioned American 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' mentality. I guess I'm saying that I can see a significant portion of a man's identity here is as a father. In the US it just feels like a guy could go off and do anything. Literally ANY thing. Americans love to encourage their children to believe that anything is possible....there are no boundaries to your potential....etc etc etc

Here it is a little more contained.....the realm of social and family responsibility doesn't leave quite as much room for a guy to just go off and do whatever he wants for 20 years before settling down at the age of 40.

Now don't get me wrong, on the spectrum of society out here just as in the US, there are the extremes of good and evil. I'm not saying all Gulf Arabs and kindly father types. We have our share of incredibly immature, selfish and out of control youth around us! But I'm talking about the average guy from the average family.

There is much much more to be said on the topic but in the interest of at least getting SOME of my thoughts out, a rough draft is better than waiting for the perfect wording to form! (And that, my friends, is much more of an American idea than a Gulf Arab idea!)

Life here has changed for good!

We live in a small town. It may not be the smallest in size, but there is NOTHING western about our town. The largest grocery stores are basically like a 7-11 in the US.
So when we heard that a big new "Wal-mart-like" store was coming to town, we have all been waiting with bated breath. It opened this past weekend and we arrived just after the opening ceremonies finished. Notice the clean shiny floor, the tiles that all match and that are all the same level. Notice the tall shelves in the background PACKED with food. Notice the cash registers with people really working at them! So so many things that I've never bothered to even think about buying before (=

 

 
This was the place we parked. We drove past all the cars that were stacking up on the edge of the full parking lot...they were starting to pile up in the sand. We took a chance and drove to the other half of the parking lot and found it...empty (= So classic. People just take the first entrance and don't bother to look for the next entrance. We were just happy for good parking!

 

Little town....you will never be the same again!!

A Day in Another World

As most of you know we live in a border town. Crossing the border can usually be a hassle but once we got our residence visas and the all important "Border Crossing Card" it is usually a smoother crossing. 

Still, we usually prepare for the 90 border crossing since they do happen. This means we bring pillows, sleeping music, blankets and toys when we cross the border. A pain. 

This particular day we had been invited by friends to go to a nice hotel and enjoy the pool party discount they were having! It was so fun....so much so that I never stopped to take a picture until the kids were laying still on the chair (= Layla swam without her wings for the first time and put her head under the water a few times. Definately a new things for her. Ryan on the other hand leaps into the pool without a thought (= 

 

Week 5

The After School Club has been going very well. Very smooth and without much excitement. So....it was about time for something to happen.

One of the activities is Sports and Games run by a very sweet gal who is really willing to put up with a great deal for the sake of helping out! She currently has 12 boys signed up. She hasn't ever had that many because regular attendance is not a big deal out here (= Anyone who knows anything about boys out here knows that this situation is a set up for trouble! Boys are given the right of way to do anything and everything and it is just sort of expected that they will misbehave. So big surprise that they are rowdy and out of control much of the time. Layla's school is really trying to reign this in and transform this expectation.

The excitement for this week's Club was my physically DRAGGING and WRESTLING a boy out of her room. The whole time I was thinking "What should I do? What should I do? Is this okay? What on earth do the other kids think of this? There is no way I'm letting this little bugger get the best of me...I WILL get him out of this room" Or something like that.

Man. I'm still not sure what the appropriate thing was, but I finally was able to drag him from around the back of the door where he was crouching. I marched him to the front office where he sat and ignored me the whole time. Typically, the school receptionists were not surprised to see him. Usually kids who behave like that spend a lot of time in the principal's office!

So I have had lots of thoughts going through my mind like:
What are we really trying to do here?
How do we want to deal with "problem" children....typically there is a back story for every child and out here, it can often be tragic.
What in the world will I do next week?
Can I please have 5 minutes with his mom??
What is going on with this kid at home?

Well come to find out from one of the receptionists the next day, his parents are either divorced or living that way. His mom lives 2 hours away and he lives with some relatives. Yikes. No wonder he is out of control.

So...here we are. Not sure what to do next week. I'm sure his mother has very little way of controlling a child she is not even living with. I suppose the easiest thing is to just chuck him out of the program but the bleeding heart part of me (yes, it is there, though small) wants to give the kid a chance since the cards are so stacked against him already in second grade!

I'll let you know how next week goes on Monday (=

We wanted to have brought over.....

 

We had a golden opportunity this month when a friend came to visit with a HUGE luggage allowance (= We actually had time to plan out what we wanted her to bring and it was SO helpful. Here is a sampling in case you ever wonder what we'd like in a care package:
==Allspice (saving it for next christmas!)
==Maple flavoring....just can't stand the store syrup here.
==Pants for Tom. Way too complicated to buy clothes here.
==Massive zip lock bags that are high quality. Ant problems require us to bag everything and these are SO handy!
==Beef Jerky....it's just so yummy and a favorite of Tom's. Same with the coffee creamer. We can get one flavor that is not sugar free but if someone is coming with empty suitcases...why not?!
==Kids stuff - Christian videos and decent books. Hard to find.
==Magazines! I LOVE magazines and these will circulate around in the community for awhile and be very appreciated!
The kids clothes from Layla's cousin Lucy are not pictured here, nor is some fun stuff from home that is a surprise for Tom (=

Week 1

This past Monday we had the first week of our After-School Club. It was a big success overall and it was a HUGE learning experience (= If you've been following the blog for awhile or know about Arab culture, you know that they are super relaxed about certain things and very touchy about other things. This is, of course, normal for all cultures and it isn't until you are in a foreign one that you really see these things for themselves.

Here are a few comparisons:

1. Most Americans ALWAYS want to know where their kids are....almost to the point that they are basically paranoid they will all be abducted any time any place. Therefore parents will do anything they can to ensure their safety. In the Arab world where we are, there is almost zero fear of abduction so kids roam around freely. Did I ever mention the day I was walking 15 mins to the store and a little three year old girl joined me along the way? She just walked out her gate and held my hand all the way to the store. sweet.

At the After-School Club (ASC) there were two random kids who just decided to stay and hang around. No one could find their parents. Their phones were just ringing and not being answered....no one had called the school wondering where their kids were etc etc. Hmmmm. Major issue and learning curve - kids often get left at school and it is a HUGE headache.

2. Most Westerners have the view that childhood should be a learning time about the real world. One can't always have their own way, you can't just lie to get out of something, steal to take something you want etc etc.

Here children are upheld as SO PRECIOUS and so fragile that they must be catered to and coddled. In one way it is very sweet - there is a real culture of nurturing kids. The downside is that there is very little structured discipline, sleep or societal expectations for how kids should behave. Not all families have wild kids but quite a few do (= So when the AFC filled up, I had this conversation about 5 times that afternoon alone:

Mom: Hello, um, my child really wants to do TaeKwonDo. Please, you must put him in the class. All her friends are taking it.

Me: I'm so very sorry, that classed filled up right away, I have a couple of spaces in the other activities.

Mom: No, you don't understand (.....long explanation of the child's emotional state the last 2 years) She is fragile, she is crying to me all the time about this. (All the time being in the last 2 days)

Me: I'm very sorry, there really is no room. I can put her in another activity but only if you return the paper and the money first thing on Saturday morning (beginning of our week).

Mom: Listen to me. You must help me. It isn't for me I ask. It is my daughter she is sobbing all the time. And.....

Me: ( Interrupt at this point) Listen to me. If you are still asking about TaeKwonDo there is no point in talking any more. There is no space. I will not do. I cannot do it. There is no space. Don't talk about this anymore. If you want another space, I need the money and the paperwork or there will be absolutely nothing available for your daughter.

Mom: Oh, okay. Thank you. I'll turn in the paperwork and the money first thing. Thank you so much! (said in a totally normally happy voice. No more whining!)

whew. On and on and on and on. Relentless was the word going around in my head the whole afternoon on Monday!

My favorite interaction was one like this but where the son was present. The mom kept saying:

"It isn't me. I am not bothered by what he does, but he is crying and crying."

So I leaned down and said to the boy "there is no room in TaeKwonDo. Would like to do something else? Sports and Games?"

He brightly says Yes!

I stand up and say to the mother "Look! He is fine. He is not crying. It is okay now! Shall I sign him up for Sports and Games?"

She pushes him off towards the car and starts the diatribe again and I interrupt saying " I just saw your son. He is not crying. He said it is fine to do something else. Would you like to do that?"

Then she just gave me the most insulting look and walked off (= lovely.

So the lesson here is, be prepared for relentless parents who believe their kids to be very fragile. Not sure how to deal with it, but oh well! It is all a learning process.

There are about 45 kids involved in 4 activities and the instructors are STARS to deal with all the shuffling and re-shuffling of kids in and out of their rooms the first day. It is difficult and intimidating for the kids as they don't know any of us and then SO MANY have similar names! It is all first name then father's name then the tribal name. Usually Grandfather's name is needed on official stuff but at school it is just one generation back. Layla is always called Layla Thomas (=

All for now. Must nap while kids are down!

Read this article in the NYT by one of my cool friends!

Rachel lived in Minnesota where I first got to know her. But then she moved to the Middle East and then I moved to the Middle East. We have a friend in common who brought us together out here and we've enjoyed staying in touch. You simply MUST take a few minutes and read about her giving birth in Djibouti:

She just got published in the New York Times!

She also wrote and is selling a cookbook called Djiboutilicious. Even if I wasn't her friend I'd buy one just for the name (=

Check it out.
So proud of her!

Generosity

One thing about living internationally (especially with little ones) is that we are often at the mercy of strangers or in need of something not easily available at that moment. We just don't totally fit here and are strangers here and often don't fully understand what each situation requires. Consequently, we get to see amazing acts of generosity as people step in to help us out.

Take last night. Someone is coming to visit us and my dear mom is rushing around getting things for this friend to carry over in her suitcases. I didn't want to make mom run all over Wal-Mart looking for tom's pants or Ryan's sippy cups (tried the local brands of both for 5 years and it just isn't worth the money!!).

So I called the store myself and some dear dear lady did the running for me. Literally. She'd get back to the phone a little breathless saying "what else did you need?". So whoever you are...LaVerne, Betty, Hazel...thanks for responding to my need to save my mom from running around your store.

The incident that sticks out most in my mind was this summer on the plane. Tom has a special magic with the kids on the plane and always manages to get them to sleep. So he had done more than his fair share and was taking a nap. I was holding a fussy Ryan who was DESPERATE to walk. He wasn't quite good at it yet so he was lunging everywhere through the aisle and I could tell everyone was about as enthralled with it as I was. So I was up there at the bulkhead looking exasperated (my family knows how pathetic I am at keeping this emotion hidden) and some dear Arab man from about 6 rows back stood up and came to hold Ryan and carry him up and down the aisle. I am still feeling grateful (= and a bit ashamed but we'll focus on the grateful part.

Any mom of young kids who has lived in the middle east will tell you that the best seat mates on airplanes are Arabs and the worst are westerners. Arabs will be understanding, will hold your kids, will feed them food, take them for walks, kiss and hug them. Westerners will literally tsk tsk in disgust and turn away and throw a blanket over their head in an attempt to separate themselves. Yes. I've had both happen.

Generosity.

Tricky thing is that we see it so much because we are in need of it so much. I will say it does get a bit draining to always feel a little out of the loop but the bright side is seeing the good in so many people all over the world.

More normal playdates now

So after the post on the crazy play date, I just wanted to assure everyone that yes, we do have normal play dates that don't include biting and restraining the children at the house we are visiting. And yes, Layla continues to ask to visit people. Almost EVERY day she wants to go and "be a guest". She doesn't want to be "the hostess" because then she has to share her toys and there is no fun food to eat (= Ah...we are selfish to the core.

So she really wants to visit "Salaam alaikum people" and mostly because they have the best food. At least most of the time...and also because they are constantly giving things to kids if they show the slightest interest in something. "Here! Take it! keep it...no look! She really wants i!" They are referring to this awful plastic noisy thing that is already half broken. Layla is merely fascinated with it since it is a new thing. But as we leave it is firmly tucked in Layla's little hands. sigh.

The one exception to the "abundance of food" thing is at the house we visit the most which is Betty's house, Layla's school friend. I've taken to bringing food for the kids since of course they are always starving between nap time and bedtime (= And there is NOTHING that is offered until about 7pm when they start to cook (read: Fry) something. This is how it goes every time:

we saunter in say hello to everyone sitting around in the covered outside area. it is 90 degrees these days which feels so cool and that time of day has wonderful breezes. Eventually there is maybe water brought out after Layla walks up and says "I want water!" Ugh. Bad manners here. Then I start to bring out my stack of snacks for Ryan who is crawling all over me and wanting my attention etc. He will grab my cheeks and pull my face to his face these days. Lovely feeling.

We'll get some tea at some point after Layla asks for tea (!) in a cup for herself. Again, bad bad manners.

Then about 7pm, my friend steps into the kitchen door which is propped open right next to where we are sitting on the linoleum "mat" outside. She has a big heavy iron gas burner that is connected with a thick orange pipe to a gas cylinder. She puts the burner on a brick. She lights it up and it has a HUGE flame. This is right next to the kitchen door where the kids go in and out all the time. She squats on the floor and slowly produces three batches of fried food. Most stuff is eaten as soon as it is cooked by some kid passing by the doorway. Ryan and Layla are fascinated by the whole "stove on the floor" thing and are freaking me out by creeping closer and closer to watch.

This scenario happens each time I visit. There is no maid who does anything. These gals cook for this big family with more members than I can keep track of. They are Belushi and not actually from here though they've lived here a long long time. The differences from an Arab house are pretty remarkable. I'm curious about why they don't do the standard fruit, coffee and dates that I've had in EVERY home here for the last 5 years.

Either way, I'm grateful that Layla is so interested in visiting. I know her desire to speak Arabic is directly connected to her watching me relate to friends in Arabic. She is such a sponge at this age. It is SO frightening to see her mimic me. Iyiyiy.

Playdates......Arab-style

Buckle your seats for this one folks; I'm about to describe the playdate that we had this afternoon. yeah yeah, maybe you think there isn't much to the average playdate, but I'm still trying to process our afternoon visit to a school friend of Layla's.

I wrote about this family the other day when I mentioned the gal who got married after finishing 6th grade....she's the aunt of a little girl named "Betty" in layla's class. Layla actually asked to visit her school friend "Betty" as we were leaving the school this morning and lo and behold, we ran in to Betty's mom on the way out of the school and arranged things for this afternoon. Layla and Ryan slept a full hour longer than normal so we were later than I wanted to be.....i.e. I knew the kids would be getting hungry and tired after about an hour....just when things would be warming up!

Betty's house has a very traditional arrangement. These ladies are married to three brothers who joined their homes together by knocking down the big privacy walls that normally section the houses off from one another. Living in these homes is the mother of the three brothers (one of whom is Betty's mom) and the child bride who is now 21 and trying to get a divorce. This afternoon there is another neighbor lady and her mother and two boys visiting. They are all sitting in the shade outside on a piece of blue linoleum that you buy off the roll. Not even a carpet or grass mat, but they still took all their shoes off!

It feels like there are about 10 kids under the age of 5 but there are probably only 5 kids in all reality. They were all over the place. We sat and had tea and biscuits and pretty soon Layla felt comfortable enough to walk away from the huddle of ladies and try to ride one of the four bikes sitting around. As soon as she did, one of the neighbor boys squealed angrily and sat down directly in front of her holding the wheel in between his legs. Layla was confused and then irritated. I wasn't sure what to do. She tried to get off and drag the bike away but the kid just kept hanging on and pulling it away from her.

The child bride gal (MUST get her name!) said "Oh, those boys are so bad. Tell her to just leave them alone!" Fat chance of that happening. Layla does not do well at walking away from a slight injustice or wrongdoing. Eventually it escalated and one of the boys bit her on the arm. She was horrified and ran over to where I was sitting. I told her that she needed to ignore the boys and not play with their bikes. After about 2 minutes she was back in the fray. The child-bride gal told me that if she was going to play with the boys she needed to hit them and yell at them and make them afraid. Yeah. Not your typical playdate rules.

I could see things getting worse again and I'm trying to think fast in my head "How much do I let Layla work this out on her own? What am I expected to do as a mom in this situation? As a foreign mom? Layla out-weighs these boys for sure but she is dainty and not used to being tough. Should I jump in there and defend her and hit the kids myself? Is this going to make Layla hate coming here? Hate playing with local kids? Am I letting this go too far? Not far enough?" etc etc etc. All while drinking tea and trying to speak Arabic.

Eventually I can see one of the kids about to chomp on her arm again so I jumped up and grabbed his bike and pulled him close. I got right in his face and slapped his arm and told him no. His mother told the child-bride gal who was interpreting "That's it! She needs to make them afraid. Tell her to hit him! See, he's afraid of her now! Thats the way!" Good grief. I feel like I've already crossed a million spoken AND unspoken lines for playdates and I have no idea what to do and his mom is cheering me on.

So this is how the afternoon proceeded. I kept one eye and ear on the ladies and our tea and their crocheting (another post!) and one eye on Layla and Ryan and the wicked neighbor boys. Part way through the afternoon the child-bride gal says "you know, these boys are so bad, so bad. Their father was in a car accident and he is paralyzed from the neck down. These boys are crazy and they make her life a living hell" If a girl who got married at 13 is telling you that another lady's life is a living hell, you'd not take that lightly.

Three or four times I could see another biting/hitting incident happening so I'd crouch down behind either of the boys and sort of hug them and hold them while sort of kissing them and talking sweet to them. I was thinking to myself "this is my second visit to this house and I am basically restraining the neighbor kids....what DO they think of me?" I'd pray at the same time and try and be light-hearted about the whole thing like I was totally used to this wild behaviour.

I was proud of Layla in the end. She didn't wimp out and just sit next to me though she did cry a few times and come running. I kept telling her that if she was going to play with the boys she needed to be strong and be willing to put up with them. That it was better for her to just ignore them and play with Betty (who is afraid of the boys and leaves them alone). It was not to be. In the end she was hitting back and screaming LA LA LA! at them and taking them down if they got near Ryan. Ryan has a pretty fierce scream but of course he is much smaller so they hit him a bit and ran into him and such but the other moms were very protective of him.

In the end I think there was some mutual respect established.....she was able to play around with one of the boys and have some fun. As we left, their mom came up to me and sincerely apologized which isn't really done in this culture. I tried to reassure her in my best Arabic that I understood and they are "just boys". man on man.

I am still trying to sort out how to talk about this with Layla. It is a well known fact out here that the boys are totally undisciplined. A friend who taught here has actually seen elementary school boys walk on desks and computers with the teacher in the room and who is not responding at all. It is inconceivable to us and I don't know how you help kids grow up in this world and know what sort of kids you can and should hit back and what kids you are supposed to be a "Christian" and "turn the other cheek" with.

I am open to all and any advice!!!

Living in National Geographic

We have a subscription to National Geographic (thank you, Tina!) and due to crazy postal issues we get them in clumps a few times a year. We recently got a stack and I was flipping through one article late last night. It was about child brides mostly in India/Pakistan and in Yemen. I know this happens out here, but it isn't something folks advertise.

The very next day I was SUPER excited to have been invited over to the house of a classmate of Layla's to eat lunch. Normally Layla comes home from school very happy but totally wiped out and doesn't even eat lunch until after her nap. i was hoping she'd have enough emotional stamina to make it through lunch at a new person's house. I have been waiting and praying for a chance to connect with some of the families in Layla's class so that she can develop some friendships with local girls her age.

There are about 5 women in the house who were eating lunch with us and one of them was telling me that she she spoke English with an Ameircan accent because of the school she attended. She stopped in 6th grade because she got MARRIED. I wasn't sure I heard her correctly. Immediately I thought, "what I am supposed to do? look casual? look shocked? sad? interested?" I mean really. What are you supposed to do? If you act horrified, surely it would make her feel worse?

She said she had been promised to this man for a long time. I wasn't sure how old he was....I was full of questions but trying to figure out how I was supposed to react. Anyway, she said at the age of 13 she was married to this guy and packed off to Pakistan to go be a wife. I asked if she was scared and she said that she was and that she had a bad life with him and he did not treat her well. I can only imagine what was represented in those few lines encapsulating the last 8 years of her life.
She is back home now and trying to finalize the divorce. He is may not grant her the divorce...we'll see what happens next week when I have lunch with them. She was actually going to the courthouse today.

I know other gals who got married at around 16 years of age but that isn't that far from parts of the US a generation or two ago. 13 years old....that is another story. A story in National Geographic apparently. Crazy to realize it is happening just about 6 houses down from ours.

Birthday presents....

I am a gift person. I love shopping for gifts, thinking about giving gifts, wrapping them and giving them. And, of course, receiving them (= This year for my birthday I decided to gift myself a fun little electronic device! I am not at all tech savvy, but several friends of IPhones, ITouches, Kindles etc etc. When we are with our local ladies at the weekly parties all the devices come out (theirs included) and we all look at photos, passages in the Koran/Bible, funky websites blah blah blah. And I just ooo and aaahhh (= Well after combining all my birthday moolah, i am SO happy to say that I finally made a purchase and it will, eventually, make it here from the US. I'm sure I should have done more research on what to get, but frankly, I only have so much research in me and when it runs out, I just hit the "confirm purchase" button and figure that it will all work out in the end. (=

So this is what I've purchased

With this "skin" cover to protect for scratches

and this snappy cover in magenta

I am SUPER excited (=

Tom left for a short trip and will be back and 3-4 days. I plan to have read the start up guide by the time he gets back and choose some apps that I will download. I feel very nerdy and very techy.

Tom and I have always enjoyed a few days a part here and there. As an introvert I LOVE putting the kids to bed and then not having to speak the rest of the evening (= Now that the kids are in bed by 815pm as opposed to 10pm during Ramadan....it is REALLY a treat.

It is getting cooler out - the day starts in the mid-80s!! It is still 110 by noon, but evenings are reasonable. We have started eating outside again even though it is 100. It still feels cooler! The problem is that we are all still sweaty when we come in so I am bathing the kids every night (they are SO DIRTY because I just let them roam free in the yard come what may!) and then I put Ryan in the crib with a few books, set layla up with her bedtime books and take a quick rinse-off shower myself before finishing their bedtime routine. It is just too icky sticky to relax!

We have no plans for tomorrow which is nice. We crossed the border today without border cards and I think it took 2 hours. Thankfully we have good ac, comfortable seats and entertaining music! We got a handful of chocolate for the kids at one border office which was a nice pick-me-up! Have I said lately how much this culture loves and values kids?? Love it here.

Loooong Day

There is a group of local friends I have who get together on a regular basis. They are so different from one another and each evening we hang out there are so many cultural things I would just love to sit down and write about and share. Buuuuut, then the rest of life comes in and I just get too tired to try and explain all the fun cultural things (=

A couple of days ago one of the gals asked me if I would like to drive to a town about 2 hours away to see some of her family and to go shopping! I couldn't resist the offer and even though I was NERVOUS about taking both kids with me (she is single and without kids) I said yes.

We left about 11am and returned about 1am. So it really was a very.long.day. But it was SO great to meet so many of her family members. There are about 9 kids in her family and the oldest 3 have citizenship in the country next door and the others are all citizens of our country though their tribe is from both parts.

One visit was super traditional with the fruit and dates and coffee and loads of perfume at the end, the others were truly just swinging by to see a new house or meeting in a park or shopping in the mall together (=

Layla was able to ride a horse AND ride in a little carriage pulled by a miniature horse when we were in the park. It was about $3 a ride and of course they paid for everything while we were with them. I protested at one point and one of the gals (who speaks VERY good English and is basically like any Post-Modern 19 year old) said "that's okay. you are visiting me here and I'll pay. When I visit you then you'll pay "(= So that is clear isn't it!

Layla was given SO much candy and junk food and juice boxes and whatnot. They love to give kids toys and gifts and food. It is wonderful to have kids so loved by the general population.

And I was most grateful for the fact that when we FINALLY got in the car to go home, both kids just dropped off to sleep in their carseats. Getting the carseats in that morning was a chore....she had shoved the seatbelts ALL the way down and we couldn't hardly get to them. Anyway (=

I must go and take a nap (=